Jayber Crow

I'm about to finish a book called Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry. Here's a page or so from it that I've been mulling over since I started it.

Jayber Crow is at seminary in this part of the story:

And so finally, late one afternoon, I went to the professor I was afraid to go to, old Dr. Ardmire. I was afraid to go to him because I knew he would tell me the truth.....

I knocked at his open door and waited until he read to a stopping place and looked up from his book.
"Come in , Mr. J. Crow" He didn't like it that I went by my initial.

I went in.
He said, "Have a seat, please."
I sat down.
Customarily, when I came to see him I would be bringing work that he had required me to talk with him about. That day I was empty-handed.
Seeing that I was, he said, "What have you got in mind?"
"Well," I said, "I've got a lot of questions."
He said, "Perhaps you would like to say what they are?"
"Well, for instance," I said, "if Jesus said for us to love our enemies-- and He did say that, didn't He?--how can it ever be right to kill our enemies? And if He said not to pray in public, how come we're all the time praying in public? And if Jesus' own prayer in the garden wasn't granted, what is there for us to pray, except 'thy will be done,' which there's no use in praying because it will be done anyhow?"
I sort of ran down. He didn't say anything. He was looking straight at me. Adn then I realized that he wasn't looking at me the way he usually did. I seemed to see way back in his eyes a little gleam of light. It was a light of kindness and (as I now think) of amusement.
He said, "Have you anymore?"
"Well, for instance," I said, for it had just occurred to me, "suppose you prayed for something and you got it, how do you know how you got it? How do you know you didn't get it because you were going to get it whether you prayed for it or not? So how do you know it does any good to pray? You woudl need proof, wouldn't you?
He nodded.
"But there's no way to get any proof."
He shook his head. We looked at each other.
He said, "Do you have any answers?"
"No," I said. I was concentrating so hard, looking at him, you could have nailed my foot to the floor and I wouldn't have felt it.
"So," I said, "I reckon what it all comes down to is, how can I preach if I don't have any answers?"
"Yes, Mr. Crow," he said. "How can you?" he was not one of your frying-sized chickens.
"I don't believe I can," I said, and I felt my skin turn cold, for I had not even thought that until then.
He said, "No, I don't believe you can." And we sate there and looked at each other again while he waited for me to see the nextg thing, so he wouldnt' have to tell me: I oughtn't to waste any time resigning my scholarship and leaving Pigeonville. I saw it soon enough.
I said, "Well," for now I was ashamed, "I had this feeling maybe I had been called."
"And you may have been right. But not to what you thought. Not to what you think. You have been given questions to which you cannot be given answers. You will have to live them out -- perhaps a little at a time."
"And how long is that going to take?"
"I don't know. As long as you live, perhaps."
"That could be a long time."
"I will tell you a further mystery," he said. "It may take longer."
He held out his hand to me and I shook it. As I started to leave, it came to me that of all the teachers I'd had in school he was the kindest, and I turned around. I was going to thank him, but he had gone back to his book.

Diametric Faces of God

“These days I own a Dellapple”

And He said to him, "'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.”

How is it that two people can walk into a church and have such drastically different experiences? One person finds a life giving, inspiring, and inviting group of people that immediately enables them to relax and breather a little easier. They smile and energetically engage the people and place that they have just entered. The other person immediately puts up their guard, full of suspicion and critique. Not able to accept that the motives of these “nice” people can truly be real and sincere.

What do you do when you realize you are both of those people at the same time? Is that possible? When you see, that you are someone who finds identity and purpose in this community in which you have spent most of your life. Yet at the same time, you are someone who somewhere along the way has become cynical, wounded, and distrusting of the very community that you used to find life in.

I am that person and I am confused.

The threads of this “Christian” experience, both good and bad, have been woven so intricately into the fabric of my life, that I can no longer separate them without destroying the entire garment.

These days it seems like I have two gods’ I’m trying to worship and follow and I don’t know which one is real anymore. It’s like trying to please Bill Gates and Steve Jobs at the same time. One god is the god of tradition, of conservatism (whatever that means), and the god of the four spiritual laws. This god provides right principles, a bastion of safety amongst a crooked and depraved generation, and a systematic theology. This is the god that sees homosexuality and abortion as the ultimate assault on the purity of the Church and morality. This god is definitely a He.

As much as I tend to see things from this first god’s point of view, this god makes no sense to the other god I’m trying to follow. The god that values humanity, cares about things like social justice, the environment, the poor, and sees constrains to the love of God when faced with choices between red and blue. This god also makes no sense to my first god. To my first god, this god seems fickle and “blown by the wind.” Infected with new age ideas and gender confused. This god is he, she, both, and none of the above.

In an odd way I find myself reflecting on Matthew 6:24. “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.” What if I have been tormenting over a choice I was never expected to make? I am beginning to think more and more these days that this struggle has been a war between lesser gods; one that has left my heart and mind bloodied as its battlefield.

More and more I know longer care if I’ve found the perfect face of God, because more and more my hope is in the scandalous love of a God that many days appears as absurd as the Dellapple I’m writing on. I may be confused about many things, but I am becoming more and more sure of one thing.

Sorry if you wanted to read something a little more lighthearted. You might check out this video instead "Baby got Book"

I'm not 40 yet:

I recently "discovered" a brand new workout plan unlike any other. It's called the I'm not 40 yet workout routine. This is how it works. Look in the mirror at yourself. Tell yourself, "Self, you're not 40 yet." Then ask yourself, "Self, why am I working out like I'm 40?" When the Self tells you it's because you're lazy and working out takes work (hence the name), not just 2 half-hearted jogs a weak, take the following steps:

Thank Self.
Get pissed.
Go actually workout.

This blog makes no attempt to discriminate based upon age. If you are over 40, all is not lost. Simply, replace 40 with a motivating number of your choosing.

Thank You David Crowder Band

Life makes it so hard sometimes
To know what's real
When I can't feel You there
When I can't see You there
When I can't comprehend that
You are there

You are there
You're everywhere
You are everywhere

Lyrics by David Crowder Band

I am enjoying my new CD today